A Wild Ashfaq Appears!!

            One great pinnacle in every man's life is their first fight. Win or lose, I am pretty sure anybody who is reading this post can look back and pretty clearly remember that day. The first time they came face to face with another human being, emotions flaring. The first time words turned to shouts turned to cannibalistic snarls laced with spit-covered profanity. It's a thing of beauty, actually. Whether you were the victor or you got your ass handed to you  let the other person win, the whole idea of being able to release that emotion as blood, sweat and (sometimes..if you're a pansy) tears. This was no different for me. My first fight changed my life completely. (For you readers who have "virgin" eyes, the language in this post is sooo NSFW. If you don't want to read such vulgar language, I suggest a more..tame blog. Like this or this. Pansy.)

             A couple years ago when I was younger and not as awesome as I am today, I used to frequent the public library a lot. Seriously if you want to become awesome, a good tip is to go read about people who were awesome before you, so that you can make your own special blend of awesome. Me and my younger brother would take the 20 minute walk to the nearest library. But on one particular summer day, my shit was about to get all types of fucked.


             My younger brother (who for this story I will call The Commodore) and I were walking and minding our own business when all of a sudden this kid starts talking shit...from down the block and across the street. Actually, talking wasn't the right word to use. This kid was yelling all types of profanity. At first, I didn't even know who this kid was talking to...until he pointed to my brother and called him out by name. Let me paint this picture for you: (I don't know what that kid's name really was, but for now we'll just call him Ashfaq).

Me- "So like I was saying, the cure to cancer is actually quite simple. All you have to do is-"
Ashfaq- "-YO BITCH. WHERE THE FUCK IS YOU GOING?"
Me- "...do you see that kid?"
Commodore- "Yeah... he goes to my school. Let's just keep going"
Ashfaq- "YOU KNOW I'M TALKING TO YOU, YOU CUNT SUCKER. COME HERE FUCKFACE."
Me- "Dude who the hell is this kid talking to?"
Commodore- "He's just an asshole lets just go man c'mon."

             Obviously, The Commodore didn't want me to engage this douchebag. He knew that it was gonna go down if I did anything. He was probably afraid I'd kill the kid. I was three years older then both my brother and Assfaq. And I only was about 4 ft 9 and I still had about a foot on both of them. I assessed the situation and figured I wouldn't let some midget come all up in my business and diss my little brother. Plus since I was so much taller I figured he would back off if I stepped to him.

Me- "Don't worry bro. I got this."
Commodore- "...this is not a good idea..."
Me- "Hey dude! Don't talk to my little brother like that. That's not cool and I don't appreciate it!"

              No sooner did those words leave my lips did I realize how un-gangsta and unthreatening that sounded. I wanted to scare the kid. So I added something I had heard recently in a rap song.

Me- "check yourself before you wreck yourself...because...shotgun bullets are bad for your health"
 (I said something along those lines I don't exactly remember what.)

Assfag- "...WAT?"

That was not a good idea. He was across the street so fast I barely had time to see what was happening. And now he was all up in MY face.

Assfaq- "LISTEN YOU DICK PRISS, WHEN I AM TALKING TO YOUR FUCKING BROTHER, YOU MIND YOUR BUSINESS AND TAKE THAT SHIT LIKE THE HOMO YOU ARE (btw, this kid was like 12). IM GONNA BEAT YOUR ASS SO GOOD-LY YOUR MOM WILL APPLAUD ME."

Obviously I wasn't expecting this to happen. I mean you want to stick up for your kid brother or whatever and for whoever who is coming at you to run away tail between their legs. That's kinda what I envisioned. I thought this kid Ashfaq would be like "oh man this kid's older brother is straight up OG. I should just leave."

Well so now, I only had one choice. Fight. So I looked down at this kid and got into my best stance. I didn't throw my fists up but I planted my feet to what I thought was an appropriate fighting position.

Ashfaq didn't take too kindly to this. He flew at me in a fury of tiny fists and feet. My brother couldn't believe what was happening. Neither could I. The only thing I could think was "OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD I AM IN A FIGHT I AM GOING TO BE IN SO MUCH TROUBLE OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD."

(Now that I look back at it I can see that nobody really swung, Ashfaq just kind of started towards me at an increased speed and I put my hands up to block my face.)

So after I had a tiny panic attack I remembered the size difference. I thought about how ridiculous I looked, backed up against a chain-link fence with a midget trying to tear my face off.

So I picked up the kid and held him against the fence. Problem solved.

Not. What happened next changed my life, and the way I view people forever.

All of a sudden, I hear a car pull up practically on the sidewalk behind me. I turned to see an older black lady kick open her car door and stomp towards me, eyes bulging. I was so confused until she started talking. And I am pretty sure the whole world heard her...

Black Lady- "WHAT THE HELL IS YER PROBLEM BOY? GET OFF OF THAT KID YOURE LIKE 11 YEARS BIGGER THEN HIM" (Apparently back then time was also a measurement of height)

I began to let go of Ashfag, but I guess I wasn't moving fast enough for this lady. She pulled me, whirled me around and began lecturing me (most of it was spit).

Black Lady- "YOU WAS BEATING ON THAT POOR CHILRENS HE COULDN'T EVEN TOUCH THE GROUND YOU MONSTER YOU MONSTER YOU MUST BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF HOW DOES YOUR MOTHER SLEEP AT NIGHT I AM GOING TO CALL THE POLICE SERIOUSLY WHAT IS A MATTER WITH YOU KIDS I DON'T EVEN-"

I was speechless. I turned and my brother's jaw was on the ground. Ashfaq was loooooong gone.

Here's the big lesson, kiddies.

No matter how much I tried to beg and plead my case with the lady, she would never, ever believe that I was the victim. In life there are always assholes who come along trying to eff up your proverbial summer promenade to the library, and there will always be one person who sees part of the issue and completely misconstrues it without knowing the whole story. The first type of person will always try to fuck you up, the second will never be on your side. Nobody wants to be an Ashfaq, it just happens sometimes, that's unavoidable. But before you come into something you don't completely understand, don't be a black lady (no offense). Getting all the pieces of any situation is vital before you ever, ever intervene. Know what you're getting yourself into.

Deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.