Kingdom Hearts 3D Review. IN MIND BOGGLING 2D

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I am, and will probably always be a big fan of Kingdom Hearts. That being said, I am staunch Kingdom Hearts apologist. I'm sorry that the games have turned into a such giant anime wank fest. I'm sorry that the Disney worlds still tickle my nostalgia trigger in such a way that I feel compelled to keep playing each new entry in the series. Most of all, I'm sorry that I still feel a little bit of what can only be described as “magic” each time I pick up a new title in the series. 

Kingdom Hearts makes me feel like this elderly  woman.

The reason I have so much guilt about playing and enjoying Kingdom Hearts, is that from an objective standpoint it's clear to see that the series has been rehashed and milked beyond belief, and that what once was a genuinely unique idea has now been watered down into pure fan service. The story doesn't make sense, the game play is repetitive, and the dialogue would be at home on top of an all beef patty. Yet I love Kingdom Hearts, because for whatever reason hanging out with my animated homeboys fills me with such a feeling of relief and comfort that I look past all of the glaring flaws. I just want to offer some perspective of where I'm coming from, so that you can read through my analysis of Square-Enix's latest Kingdom Hearts offering and interpret my criticism appropriately. When I buy a Kingdom Hearts game I'm paying for a feeling more than a game.

This is a picture of Mushmouth. He writes for Square-Enix.

So now it's time for the first Kingdom Hearts game exclusively for the 3DS. The game is called Kingdom Hearts 3D: Dream Drop Distance, because Square-Enix knows they don't have to come up with a good title in order for their fans to simply eat this up. The game is supposedly a direct sequel to Kingdom Hearts 2, but you wouldn't know it just by looking as the characters resemble sort of a mix between their initial KH1 appearances and the more “mature” appearances in KH2. You may wonder why, but that's where the “story” comes in silly. 

Here's my open plea to the writers of the Kingdom Hearts games. KEEP IT SIMPLE STUPID! The first game was fantastic, simply because you played as a young boy traveling through various Disney inspired worlds. What was the conflict? There was a bad dude trying to engulf those worlds in darkness. It was simple. A little cliché, but easy to follow and very enjoyable. Then Kingdom Hearts got weird. Now there was a group of nobodies? Nobodies were what was left after people became heartless? Almost every main protagonist is actually the same person somehow? Hearts? Darkness? Light? Who can follow any of this junk? It's a convoluted mess that is saved by the brief respites involving the Disney License. Who was that evil spiky haired dude in the black coat? WHO CARES I'M FIGHTING WITH SIMBA!

 So if you haven't been following and playing each successive game in the series, then you should absolutely avoid Kingdom Hearts 3D. There are some “helpful” flashbacks which are basically cutscenes from the other games,but they aren't really that helpful if you don't have any context. However, if you are like me and have played all of the games strewn across all of the multiple systems, then you already sort of know what's happening. Sora and Riku are now taking the Key blade exam or whatever, and they have to travel around doing Kingdom Hearts stuff. This includes fighting bad guys, talking to Disney characters, and being unnecessarily emotional about the concept of friendship. Dude I get it, you really care about your friends. 

Big Money Makers

  

But what is a good convoluted story without a convoluted conflict? Apparently the worlds are sleeping? Which is why Riku and Sora look younger when they travel to each world? Okay Kingdom Hearts, sure whatever man. It feels a little contrive, and seems like it was just a reason for the developers to backtrack to Disney worlds that wouldn't make canonical sense. Wait, but then why when I visit the Tron world are we suddenly in the future? Don't ask questions dummy.

The only good thing I can say about the story in this game, is that the developers do try to change the continuity at the end. Without spoiling anything, they basically take all of the crap that I hate about the Kingdom Hearts extended universe, and chuck it out the window. They manage to boil things back to the simplicity of the first game, which definitely makes me more excited for Kingdom Hearts 3. 

God the first game was so good.

 Now who am I kidding? The most important thing about Kingdom Hearts games is the abundance of new and exciting worlds/cameos. Kingdom Hearts 3D does make a valiant effort on this front. Almost every world in the game is new, not including Traverse Town which sort of acts as a base of operations. Even though each world is new, they're a mixed bag. Sure the Fantasia world is probably one of the most exciting and unique worlds in recent memory, but then you have to sludge through the drudgery that is Pranksters Paradise from Pinocchio. For the most part the worlds capture the art style of their specific inspiration, but they do feel kind of flat. Aside from the protagonist, the enemies, and the Disney characters, the worlds feel completely unpopulated. Rather than feeling like you are amidst your favorite films, you feel like you're stuck in empty boxes that are made to look like your favorite films. This is a problem with Kingdom Hearts in general, but could easily be addressed by adding a few more throwaway characters to the environments. For fans who complain that there aren't enough Square-Enix properties thrown into the mix, the cast of The World Ends With You show up from time to time. 

 So what about the gameplay? Does Kingdom Hearts 3D manage to change up the tired formula? Well yes and no. What Kingdom Hearts 3D lacks in originality, it makes up with abundance. Sure the combat is still a simple button mashing affair, but there's so much else you can do to expand your gameplay experience. 

The story is split into two. You play as both Riku and Sora in parallel worlds. To emphasize the direct parallel of their adventures, the game incorporates a timer. When the timer runs out, you switch characters. It's an interesting idea which manages to keep you playing as both characters, rather than focusing on just one. However the time limit can sometimes feel too short, or cut off during a boss battle meaning you will have to start the battle from the beginning. You can switch characters manually at any time, but the timer is still a little frustrating. 

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The game plays a little bit like Kingdom Hearts:Chain of Memories, in that it relies on sort of a card based system. You build your deck by adding commands, magic, and items, and then your movements in the real world match that order. Unlike KH:COM you don't have to worry about your combo being broken because your card was too weak. You are free to beat down your foes. The strategy is more in how you plan to do that. 

"Please kill me"

The game is on the 3ds, but it controls just like a console iteration. If you spring for the circle pad pro add on you get an extra analog nub, but either play style feels fine. The camera can be a bit unwieldy at times, and occasionally you'll lock on to targets you don't want, but these are minor frustrations.

The biggest addition to this game's controls is the flow-motion traversal. Now you have the ability to grind and jump on things like some sort of crazy Tony Hawk guy. It makes traversal really fast and fluid, and also adds a bit of flash to the combat. Some punk dude giving you trouble? Grind that rail and then propel yourself towards him like a bullet. Flow-motion feels great, and hopefully becomes a staple for future titles. 

The "Drop" in the title refers to the way you enter a world. After selecting where you want to go, you are literally thrust into a warp tunnel. Falling towards the earth, you are challenged by fighting a boss, collecting stars, or destroying a certain amount of enemies. It's so much better than the gummi ship from the original two games. While the first couple of drops are fun, they don't really add much to the overall experience. These transition levels should be kept out all together.

Rather than fighting alongside Donald and Goofy, Sora and Riku now have to make due with teaming up with the Dream Eaters. Dream Eaters are both the enemies and the sidekicks in this game. They look like little colorful animals, but small. Almost like some sort of Japanese Pocket Monster. You get to name your individual buddies, and play with them using the 3ds' camera. Playing with your little demon helps them become stronger, and is sadly addicting. You will find yourself petting the hell out of these things, and loving every second of it. 

The Dream Eaters can also be sent out to fight one another in what is the game's only form of multiplayer. These battles play out like a hyped up version of rock paper scissors, but it's still fun to see your little animals go at it. You can also activate little battles within different worlds which give you bonuses, and sometimes allow you to use other people's Dream Eaters for a short amount of time. You may be hesitant at first, but these little dudes have undeniable charm, and can also rip a man's face off. I love the Dream Eaters, more than I care to admit. 

 Kingdom Hearts 3D: Dream Drop Distance, is another game in the Kingdom Hearts saga. While it tries to add a few new features to shake things up, the core of the game still feels too similar to previous entries in the series. The levels range from great to bad, and the story leaves a lot to be desired. Overall it feels more like a stopgap between the immaculate Birth By Sleep, and the inevitable Kingdom Hearts 3. If you are a Kingdom Hearts fan you probably think I'm some sort of blasphemer, and for you the game is fine. If you've never played a Kingdom Hearts game before though, this is certainly not the title to start with. 

So that's that guys. Another one bites the dust. Do you agree? Do you disagree? Let me know with a comment! If you enjoyed the review, be sure to tell a friend or tweet about it! That's always nice! Till next time be safe.