On Getting Jumped. (THIS STORY MIGHT SAVE YOUR LIFE)

PROLOGUE: In an attempt to prevent this blog from becoming the typical, whiny, bitchy " ZOMG hai my lyf sux and I'ma gunna commit suicide rite now WTF" type of blog, I made an unwritten promise to myself not to include too much of my own personal life on atourveryworst (AOVW). But, every once in a while, a story so epic, so incredibly unbelievable or slightly amusing will show up, in which case I am all but forced to incorporate the story on this blog. So sit tight Reader, we are about to take a journey into The Charmeleon zone..... (This story is a doozy, stick with it. It just might save your life.)

               Alright so this story actually takes place a couple years ago. It's a story I want to get out there so some of you who are reading don't make the same mistakes that I did when I was a young lad. This is a story that has to deal with me almost getting jumped. Getting jumped is actually not as fun as it sounds. Getting jumped is "gangsta" slang for beating the living shit out of somebody, usually for money, usually for kicks (no pun intended). I don't know about you Reader, but I personally do not appreciate getting the shit beat out of me, I do not enjoy getting the anything beat out of me, shit especially. So throughout this story I will give you tell tale warning signs and things NOT to do while in the process of getting jumped.

Story starts with me on my way to a friends house in one of the more ghetto parts of my city. I get off the bus and put on my ipod, unaware of the terror that was waiting for me a couple blocks down. Here was my first mistake. I just began walking. Please, if you know your friend lives in a rough part of your city, town, village, whatever, know exactly where they live. It might save your life. I began walking in the complete opposite direction of my friends house. Now, although I was oblivious to the fact that I was going the wrong way, I knew something was up when I saw a liquor store on every other corner and a Chinese store on the other corners. I wanted to turn around and re-assess the situation but I realized I was being followed. By someone who looked like this.
You know you're gonna get jumped when a usually busy side-street is eerily empty in the middle of the day. You know you're gonna get jumped when you peek behind you and what was once one big black dude following you is now three and two more are crossing the street. You know you're going to get jumped when you see people looking at you from their windows shake their heads in pity and then very quickly close their blinds.

              The scene was set. It was about to go down, on me and very violently. The ball was in my court, so I did the next move. I turned off the Ipod and began walking very briskly. Not a "holy shit I'm about to get attacked" brisk walk but more of a "oh dear I seem to be mildly late to this meeting" type of walk. I didn't want to get caught but I also didn't want them to start chasing me. It worked. We were walking a couple blocks before they began to pick up the pace. So without thinking, I veered into an alleyway. For everyone still reading this (if you are, you are a true friend) never, I repeat NEVER walk into an alleyway while in the midst of getting jumped. It's just not a smart idea. This move was in fact so dumb, my pursuers probably figured I went into the alleyway to go home. They went around the block, and ended up seeing me come out of the alleyway.

                     Now I was thoroughly screwed. Not only did these guys spend all this time following me, but we were now several blocks away from the starting point of this story. These guys were definitely not going to just walk all the way back home empty-handed. They were going to jump somebody, and they were going to do it to me. As they started to close in on me I heard what could be described as the sweet sound of salvation. A public transportation bus. It was coming down the block so I jogged (with my pursuers still following me) to the stop. As soon as the door opened I got on the bus and paid the two dollars, turned around and saw something that scared me. They were getting on the bus. These guys were committed.  I had to escape. So I ran full speed through the bus and out the back door as it was closing, and watched the bus slowly pull away with all five guys inside. Then I ran to my friends house. TRUE STORY. Moral of the story: Don't be a Menace to your city while playing your Ipod in the hood. Jussayin'.