Hey everybody, welcome to my spooky Halloween post. In the spirit of this most holy pagan holiday, I think I want to post about the 10 scariest things in the world. This a list of some seriously scary shit. I can't stress that enough. If you're the type of person to collapse in a weeping heap at the thought of something that starts off kind of scary, but gets incredibly scarier as it continues, then this post is not for you.
10) WHALES
So that you know that this shit is serious, I started off with the big guns. Honestly, who the fuck isn’t scared of a 95 ton leviathan with the ability to destroy an entire sea vessel, crew and all, with a single flick of its tail?
Sometimes I find myself explaining to people why whales are fucking terrifying. Some people don’t think that whales are a legitimate threat to our well-being. They say “When will a whale ever get close enough to land to do any significant damage?” I GUESS YOU DUMBASSES NEVER HEARD OF BEACHED WHALES, HAVE YOU?
You think they ‘accidentally’ swim too far up the ocean and get stuck when the tide comes down? Think again. The ocean is over 70% of this planet’s surface area and you think the whales ‘ran out of swimming space’. Seriously?
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| They're coming..... |
You think they ‘accidentally’ swim too far up the ocean and get stuck when the tide comes down? Think again. The ocean is over 70% of this planet’s surface area and you think the whales ‘ran out of swimming space’. Seriously?
THE SCARIEST PART ABOUT THIS IS THAT PEOPLE PUSH THEM BACK INTO THE FUCKING OCEAN. WHAT THE FUCK. You just gave a monster the chance to fight another day while you stand in a circle, holding hands and singing about the beautiful whale you just saved.
9) WHEN YOUR INTERNET CUTS OFF
So you're browsing Facebook or Twitter, feeling so sure of yourself as a human being, when something happens. Something scary. That little icon that tells you that you're connected to the internet suddenly goes off.
Now the world is a different place. "Oh my god. Oh my god. What's happening? Oh no...I was IM'ing somebody! What if my friends think I got kidnapped? What if I think of a random question that I must have answered? HOW WILL I LET THEM KNOW I'M OKAY? HOW WILL I UPDATE MY STATUS? AND HOW, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WILL I EVER FIND OUT WHO WON THE 1972 WORLD SERIES??"
8) THAT MILLISECOND WHERE YOU’RE WALKING DOWN SOME STEPS IN THE DARK AND YOU MISS ONE
'Nuff said. For that little moment of time, you think your living room dissipates and you are suddenly falling hopelessly down a bottomless abyss.
7) WHOOPI GOLDBERG AS A MISTRESS
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| Yes, that Whoopi Goldberg |
His mistress was Whoopi Goldberg.
Wow. Just... wow. I mean, I know the 90's were a crazy time and Casey Coates is no Marilyn Monroe but Whoopi Goldberg?
And on top of that, the divorce ended up costing him $30 million. Scary.
WAS IT REALLY WORTH IT, DANSON? WAS IT?
6) THE 11 O’CLOCK NEWS
So everybody knows that if the news wasn't scary, nobody would watch it. "If it bleeds, it leads", is what people in the news industry say. Here at AOVW we have a saying of our own.
It's called don't make the news so fucking scary, asshole.
Now nothing pops out at you while watching the news, that's true. And you're definitely not going to see any ghosts or zombies (yet). No, what makes the news scary is how they present reality. They take an incident and make it seem like it's happening everywhere, at once, at all times, and it will happen to you. Then they make things more dangerous then they actually are.
My favorite stories are the ones where they talk about a new study that deals with the dangers of modern technology. They usually go like this.
Plus, don't you just love when they say "YOUR MITTENS MIGHT KILL YOU, A NEW STUDY SHOWS. Stay tuned until tomorrow to find out how!"
If it's that important, TELL ME NOW. I MIGHT DIE BEFORE TOMORROW.
It's called don't make the news so fucking scary, asshole.
Now nothing pops out at you while watching the news, that's true. And you're definitely not going to see any ghosts or zombies (yet). No, what makes the news scary is how they present reality. They take an incident and make it seem like it's happening everywhere, at once, at all times, and it will happen to you. Then they make things more dangerous then they actually are.
My favorite stories are the ones where they talk about a new study that deals with the dangers of modern technology. They usually go like this.
"BREAKING NEWS. HOW USING A REFRIGERATOR TO PRESERVE YOUR FOOD CAN GIVE YOU CANCER! A new study shows that out of all the people who use a refrigerator to preserve their food, about 30% developed some form of cancer. Using your refrigerator can be very hazardous to your health. WE'RE NOT TELLING YOU NOT TO USE YOUR REFRIGERATOR, but the numbers show you are VERY LIKELY to get cancer IF YOU DO."I'm not saying it's impossible to get cancer through a fridge. I'm saying it's highly unlikely. And now you've got some poor sap taking all of his food out of a fridge and curing it with salt because he's afraid of getting cancer.
Plus, don't you just love when they say "YOUR MITTENS MIGHT KILL YOU, A NEW STUDY SHOWS. Stay tuned until tomorrow to find out how!"
If it's that important, TELL ME NOW. I MIGHT DIE BEFORE TOMORROW.
5) THE 6 O’CLOCK NEWS
The only thing scarier then the 11 o'clock news is the 6 o'clock news. Why? At 6 o'clock, you're just getting home from a long day of work, school, or doing absolutely nothing with your life (you lucky bastard) and you turn on the TV to catch something light-hearted and jovial, perhaps a comedy before you go to bed to wake up tomorrow to continue boosting the economy.
Instead, how are you rewarded? With a clusterfuck of horribly gruesome images, sad ass videos and murder stories. And just when you think there is now hope left for the world, they end it with a small, public interest story like "Little boy opens lemonade stand".
Half of your audience committed suicide during the Malaria outbreak segment, news. Good job.
4) HONEY BADGERS
For those of you who have no clue what a Honey Badger is, let me give you the quick run down. In the beginning, God created the heavens, the earth and man. He then realized that this was a huge mistake and that man's own stupidity would end up ruining his perfect planet, so he created a fail-safe switch. This is the Honey Badger, an animal capable of destroying all life as we know it.
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| We're doomed. |
This sounds ridiculous, I know but hear me out. The honey badger is famous on the internet because of it's ability to not give a fuck. As a matter a fact, it gives so few fucks that it does whatever it wants. Here's an excerpt from it's Wikipedia page.
"Honey badgers are notoriously fearless and tough animals, having been known to savagely attack their enemies when escape is impossible. They are tireless in combat and can wear out much larger animals in physical confrontations."A couple things you should understand about the honey badger. #1) It doesn't give a fuck, and #2) when it's hungry, it eats whatever the fuck it wants. It doesn't matter how big, how venomous, how many or how well protected the thing is, it will eat it. Why? Refer back to Honey Badger Point #1. This video can explain this a little bit more.
Yes, at the end of the video the honey badger decides to fight a snake. Yes, it is the king fucking cobra. Yes, the cobra bites the honey badger. Yes, the honey badger managed to kill the snake before succumbing to the venom. Yes, the honey badger did wake up from a KING COBRAS VENOM five minutes later like an alcoholic shaking off a hangover. AND HE CONTINUES TO EAT THE SNAKE LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED.
What's stopping them from coming after us? I'll tell you what. Absolutely nothing.
3) REALIZING YOU FORGOT YOUR PHONE AT HOME WHEN IT’S LATE AT NIGHT AND YOU’RE WALKING ALONE OR WHEN YOU’RE ABOUT TO RUN INTO SOMEONE YOU KNOW BUT DON’T WANT TO TALK TO
Admit it; you use technology as a crutch. Everybody does it. But what happens when you forget an important device at home? I’ll tell you what.
Welcome to Fear Town, baby. Population: You. And that group of suspicious minorities down the block. And that awkward kid from Biology that you kinda knew but never felt comfortable around.
Let me paint this horrifying picture for you. You’re walking home, it’s 1:30 AM, and you’re a little tipsy but it’s okay. You figure you want to ‘walk the alcohol off’ a little bit so you get off the bus a couple stops early. No biggie.
As soon as the bus pulls away, the quaint little neighborhood that you’ve passed a million times suddenly becomes fucking Elm Street. There are weird figures in the bushes, you keep hearing footsteps behind you, your heart is beating erratically as you notice nobody has their lights on in the houses and you’re all alone. You figure you’re probably just overreacting, but then, you see it.
In the distance, there is a group of five hooded figures walking towards you. You try to peer into the darkness but you can’t make it too obvious that you’re staring, or they’re going to pull out their guns and kill you to death. You want to cross the street but it’s too late, it’ll be too obvious. You think and you realize your final refuge is your phone; you reach into your pocket and....
...YOU REALIZE YOU LEFT IT AT HOME. May God have mercy on your poor soul.
Welcome to Fear Town, baby. Population: You. And that group of suspicious minorities down the block. And that awkward kid from Biology that you kinda knew but never felt comfortable around.
Let me paint this horrifying picture for you. You’re walking home, it’s 1:30 AM, and you’re a little tipsy but it’s okay. You figure you want to ‘walk the alcohol off’ a little bit so you get off the bus a couple stops early. No biggie.
As soon as the bus pulls away, the quaint little neighborhood that you’ve passed a million times suddenly becomes fucking Elm Street. There are weird figures in the bushes, you keep hearing footsteps behind you, your heart is beating erratically as you notice nobody has their lights on in the houses and you’re all alone. You figure you’re probably just overreacting, but then, you see it.
In the distance, there is a group of five hooded figures walking towards you. You try to peer into the darkness but you can’t make it too obvious that you’re staring, or they’re going to pull out their guns and kill you to death. You want to cross the street but it’s too late, it’ll be too obvious. You think and you realize your final refuge is your phone; you reach into your pocket and....
...YOU REALIZE YOU LEFT IT AT HOME. May God have mercy on your poor soul.
2) REALIZING THAT YOU HAVE BECOME YOUR PARENTS, OR YOU SOON WILL BE
There is nothing I fear more than this. Ever been hanging out with your friends, then one of your buddies goes to do something really stupid and dangerous and you hear someone say "Are you sure you want to do that? Think about the consequences and how they might affect your future."
Everybody turns around, including you. Then you realize who made the incredibly responsible comment....
IT WAS YOU. AHHHHHHHHHHHH.
1) THINKING THAT THE AOVW CREW WILL NEVER POST AGAIN
Remember when I said "There is nothing that I fear more than this" earlier? I lied. I'm more afraid of you thinking that we'd never post again. AHHHHHH.
Happy Halloween!!
Remember when I said "There is nothing that I fear more than this" earlier? I lied. I'm more afraid of you thinking that we'd never post again. AHHHHHH.
Happy Halloween!!
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