Toast To 2011

Hey guys happy new year! I actually just realized that a year has passed since I posted anything and I can't just leave you like this. Things are going awesome for the AOVW crew and I and I just wanted to post a couple of quick thoughts to give you a taste of whats headed for our Readers in the new year. Hold on to your bonnets Ladies and Gents, were taking a quick trip to the Charmeleon Zone....

WOMEN ARE CRAZY

This one is actually something a lot of people might know already but women, are quite literally, crazy. Yup guys it's proven. Take for example something that happened to me a little while ago. Once upon a time, I went to this high school with a lot of people. About 1600 to be exact. And maybe 22% of those 1600 people were the same race as I was. Meaning I could be confused for someone else, or they could be confused for me. It wasn't easy, but it wasn't impossible. Apparently, while going to this school, I had a beef with a girl I never once spoke to during school. A little while back she finally confronted me on facebook with this issue that had been bothering her all these years.

Her: "YOU SNIFFED MY HAIR."

Me: "Why hello to you too...uhm...what"

Her: "YOU SNIFFED MY HAIR AND YOU KNOW IT. AT THE LIBRARY"
Me: "...."
Her: "BAHAHAHA!! I KNOW IT WAS YOU"

Note: This conversation may or may not have went exactly like this but for the sake of entertainment, this is close enough.

Anyways it must have taken months for me to convince this girl that I did not smell her hair in any, way, shape or form. And she still probably doesn't believe me. Reader, you know that I don't go around smelling people's hair to get them to talk to me. That's just not how The Charmeleon picks up women. That girl is something else.

We're dating now. She's incredible.

 THE MANSLATER

This actually ties in with the whole "Women are crazy" theme I got going on above. I may be a little late but a while back I saw this video on youtube promoting this peice of technology called The Manslater. What it does is translate things women say in easy to understand, caveman words for men to understand. Here's the video.



I am appalled. And I have one question.

Why the hell hasn't this been invented yet?

Seriously, fuck cloning and curing cancer. Right now I think what the world needs most is a simple peice of technology that let's men understand women and vice versa. The world would be a better place.

I don't know what scientists are waiting for but in the meantime, here's a tip for understanding women. It's actually one passed down from my father by his father, then from his father by his father, then from his father, all the way up from Jesus himself. Here's the tip. (It's so god damn important I'm going to put it on another line and put it in bold.)

WHEN A WOMAN SAYS SOMETHING, LISTEN TO HER. TRY HARD TO UNDERSTAND WHERE SHE IS COMING FROM. COMMUNICATE WITH HER. 

THEN DO THE EXACT OPPOSITE. 

I am telling you. When a woman says "It's fine, go do what you want, I don't care." She really means "If you do the thing you really want to do, I will hang your head from a flag pole and feed the rest of your body to a pack of hungry she-wolves." When a woman says "okay." She really means "I swear to Buddah, Allah, Zeus and anybody else who might be up there watching I will skin you alive and wear you like a coat." Just putting that out there. Guys, I know it's kind of hard to wrap your head around but just do it. Until The Manslater comes out. Then there will be world peace.

Bonus tip: A lot of people don't know how to win an argument with a woman. People come up to me and ask "Oh Mr. Charmeleon, please, please tell me how to win an argument against my wife, gf, sister, mother, friend, mistress, whatever." So I'm just going to go ahead and let the cat out of the bag. This is something a lot of happily married men know already. If you get into an argument with a woman, and you find out you're wrong, apologize. If you get into an argument with a woman, and you find out she's wrong, apologize like there's no tomorrow.

The argument will end. Then everybody wins. Especially you.

WTF IS SO GOOD ABOUT SLEEP

If I went to most people right now, and I asked them what their favorite thing about having a long winter break was, I bet a hundred bucks that most of them would say "Sleep, bro." And that's awesome. Sleep is pretty cool. But I wouldn't say sleep is my favorite thing about a break. There are so many other things that are happening during winter, spring or summer break and you say that your favorite thing is to lay down paralyzed in a vulnerable state for about 4 to 8 hours a night? Sounds like a weakness to me. Also, I don't get it. Everybody enjoys sleep but nobody really knows what sleep really is. Like you never suddenly become aware of sleep in the middle of the night.

"Dude, this is such an awesome sleep. I'm fucking sleeping so good right now. Jesus. I can't wait to tweet about this sleep."

Doesn't happen. Wtf is so good about sleep? Sometimes you can go to sleep for 10 hours straight and wake up just as tired as you were when you first went to sleep. It's a hit or miss in my opinion. I'd rather stay awake all night and do something good for humanity. Like invent a manslater.

Here's to 2011!!